


What defines a marriage?

by MissCookiemonster



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Insecurity, Marital Difficulties, Talking, The world needs more love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-07
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-11-26 10:23:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20928656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissCookiemonster/pseuds/MissCookiemonster
Summary: After the war Narcissa and Lucius struggle. With a lot of things. It is their decision whether they do it together or each on their own.





	1. Chapter 1

She had never seen Lucius like this before.  
That he was dismissive? Naturally!  
Lucius Malfoy was a cold man who did not even reveal himself to his wife. In all their years of marriage, she has barely been able to glimpse quickly behind his mask of pride of nobility. It was not until the Dark Lord had returned that the façade crumbled until she feared the whole man behind it would break.  
Now after the war, the dust had finally settled and at first sight, Narcissa had her husband back. He had recovered – back to his old self. She was still amazed after so many years, how he always managed to feather his own nest. But he had succeeded and after many exhausting months finally, peace had returned to the manor. They all recovered piece by piece and a question now occupied Narcissa daily. What happened now?

It was an arranged marriage, but she grew to love this highly reserved, pride wizard, nonetheless. He had become a faithful companion to her, and she did not want to give him up despite all his mistakes. But what if that was not her decision? If he had already decided long ago? This fear became more and more manifest with each passing day.  
Lucius avoided her whenever he could. Even at the dinner table he never met her gaze. And every time she tried to touch him, he flinched as if she were poisonous. She could have responded with understanding, patience and forbearance. But at the same time, he had pulled up his walls so high as she had never seen it before. Even at the beginning of her shaky, fragile and above all, loveless marriage, he had felt closer than he did now. Back then she at least has had the feeling that he was trying. Something. He had always given himself respectful to her and had never pushed her to anything. She knew that it could have been different and so she gave him great credit for his behaviour up to this day. But now he had finally slipped away from her, she knew that. He had spent several months in Azkaban and since then he has been infinitely far away.  
She did not even know where he was right now. Was he out or still in the manor? If so, she certainly would not run into him accidentally. He had a sixth sense for it and averted her precisely like a bat in the night. She had to decide what will come next.  
In any case, she would not keep on living like this, and even if this was a novelty, today she would address at dinner, what put a strain on her. If he really wanted to get rid of her, he should do that like a gentleman. Say it to her face so she could escape this graveyard.  
There was still an enchanting country estate in France in their possession, which always brought her a lot of joy. Even if it pained her to leave England and Lucius. But she couldn’t live with this shadow anymore, who did not even speak to her properly. She understood that the last months, no, years had taken a toll on him, but why didn’t he talk to her about it?  
She was still his wife and after all, they went through together… They went to hell and back and that should be all that’s left of them?  


When they sat – as always – silently at the oversized dining table, Lucius surprised her.  
She almost dropped her fork, but she pulled herself together. The sound of his voice had almost become unfamiliar.  
“I was thinking about our current situation,” he said, breaking the bad news. That they were bad news, Narcissa did not doubt. He sounded so formal and stiff as if he had to make a plea in court.  
For the first time in a long time, he looked her in the eye, but she could have done without it. He looked at her as if she was a stranger. And there was nothing left of this once so witty and charming man. Back in the days, all he needed to get her into bed was one look and his devilish smile.  
Today they even slept in different wings of the house.  
“I think you agree with me when I say that this situation is no longer acceptable”  
Narcissa nodded slowly. Feared his conclusion.  
“I set you free, Narcissa.”  
He had spoken those words softly, but they were ringing in her ears. She had feared it.  
“So, you simply decide the end of our marriage, without even discussing it with me? Not every one of your words is the law!”  
The last sentence might have been a little thoughtless, but it was enough for her.  
“What is happening here, Lucius? We are not talking anymore. You are avoiding me and even having dinner together is hell! What have I done to you?”, it suddenly burst out of her uncontrollably.  
Lucius blinked a few times in surprise, seeming to have to deal with that.  
“Narcissa, I don’t know, what…”  
“Of course you know!”  
Her voice cracked and the wineglass got smashed against the wall.  
“Don’t you dare to act so unsuspecting!”  
The plate followed the glass.  
“You know exactly what I am talking about!”  


An expensive salad bowl she did not care about was thrown to the floor. All these years she had made the perfect wife. Has always been faithful to his side and damned, she had suffered, too.  
Had to endure torments and fears that had surpassed everything she had ever known before. And now he sat here, wanted to send her away and not even now he was ready for a real conversation. She almost wanted to strangle him.  
Lucius had already jerked up at the clink of the wineglass and watched her now silently. This cursed silence.  
That silence drove her closer to the edge of madness that her sister ever had.  
Narcissa expected everything possible. But most of all, she expected him to leave the dining room without a word. But that did not happen. Instead, he sank back into his chair and buried the face in his hands.  
Narcissa immediately stopped in her rage and looked at him in surprise. It was as if all the rigidity fell off of him and he collapsed.  
“I am sorry, Narcissa.”  
It had only been a whisper and she had trouble hearing it. But most of all, it took all the wind out of her sails. Slowly she put down another plate and walked around the table towards Lucius.  
“Talk to me! What’s the matter with you?”, she almost begged now.  
Again just silence.  
“Damn it, Lucius! We’ve been through two wars together. Together we went through hell and somehow managed that neither we nor our son perish. TOGETHER! We survived all this, and we could always rely on each other. So, what have I done so horribly that you punish me with silence?”  
The last sentence did its work. Immediately Lucius tore his head up and finally looked her in the eye again. The expression in his eyes, however, were hard to bear. So much pain was reflected in them, but it disappeared after seconds. What remained was the cold, almost dead expression he had perfected over the last months. Probably his whole life. By Merlin, what was wrong with him?  
“Lucius?”  
“You did not do anything wrong. On the contrary. You did everything right. You have mastered your duties with flying colours and now I let you go. You are no longer bound to me. This is a present, not a punishment.”  
“Do you hate our marriage so much that you can not even stand me in the house?”, she managed to say just before she had to turn away. She was a Malfoy. No, technically she was probably a Black again, but either way, such a burst of emotions and even tears were not acceptable.  


A hand on her shoulder made her spin around again.  
Lucius had risen silently and was now as close to her as they weren’t in a long time.  
“On the contrary, Narcissa. I will be eternally grateful to you, but for that very reason, I can not keep you imprisoned. You have a right to a fresh start.”  
Shortly, Narcissa did not know what to say. Did he really mean that?  
“There is no reason not to make a fresh start together. Why do you really want to get rid of me?”  
Again he averted his eyes and for a second she believed to recognize shame flickering across his face.  
“The question is, why would you want to stay with me? Because that’s the way it was always done? Tradition? Or a sense of duty? You have fulfilled your duties more than enough and forget about these antiquated traditions!”  
Narcissa no longer recognized her own husband. The Lucius Malfoy, whom she had married, would defend these so-called antiquated traditions with claws and teeth.  
“Stop talking such nonsense and be so kind and tell me directly in the face if you want to get rid of me!”  
Only when Lucius flinched back, seemingly startled she realized how loud she had become. The longer this conversation went, the more unstable the two of them became – that was clear to Narcissa. She screamed and Lucius took silently cover. Now he had even taken a few steps back. If she did not know better…  
“What are you afraid of, Lucius?”, she asked softly.  
Another step back.  
“What do you mean?”  
The piqued and seemingly amazed undertone did not deceive her that she had hit a nerve.  
“Lucius Malfoy, we are grown up and married for over 20 years. We should be able to talk to each other. Even about problems. I am still your wife. And none of this will ever leave this room!”  
Lucius froze and raised now the rest of his walls. He gave her a curt nod and then stalked out of the dining room without further comment.  


Exhausted, Narcissa sank into a chair, poured herself a glass of wine and emptied it all at once. That probably couldn’t have gone worse. But she just could not take it anymore. She had never felt so lonely. At most, perhaps, when Lucius had been in Azkaban. But even then, she had known he was by her side. No matter what.  
But that was finally over. He was not perfect. He was far from that. But she missed her husband.  
She refrained from another glass of wine and decided to go to bed with a book for comfort and distraction.


	2. Chapter 2

It was already well past midnight when she was still struggling with the pages of her book. She was still far too agitated and just couldn't focus on the novel. Suddenly it knocked quietly, almost tentatively, at her bedroom door. "Come in", she replied absently, expecting a house-elf to offer her another cup of tea. But when the door opened, it was Lucius who stood there. In surprise, the heavy book slipped away from her and landed on the ground with a dull bang. "Lucius? Has anything happened?" Something must have happened to Draco, otherwise, she could not explain his appearance.

But Lucius shook his head.  
"May I enter? I would like to continue our conversation."  
She didn't expect that. But as restless and almost erratic as he was standing here, all of this seemed to have taken him as much as she did. He looked exhausted.  
"Where does the change of heart come from?", she asked suspiciously. "I... I came to rest a little and thought about everything again. I must sincerely ask you for forgiveness for my impossible behaviour from before. I'm sorry and didn't do you justice."  
Slowly, Narcissa would have to get used to this strange behaviour. Since when did Lucius apologize? With words? This was an absolute novelty. Of course, in his silent way, he had always done so. But usually with a gift, an attentive gesture or anything that said without words, "I'm sorry." But this one was truly new and she didn't know how to deal with it. So Narcissa just nodded and told him to step in. Eventually, he did so hesitantly and they both sat down at a table right at the large window pointing towards the pond. She almost feared even more of this unpleasant silence, but this time Lucius got to the point more quickly.

"As I said before, I'm sorry. i... I think I forgot who I was talking to for a while. Not just my dear wife. Misses Malfoy, who stands beside me like a dutiful and graceful statue. No, but also my wife, who has always been a faithful companion to me. A friend. And that I started to love at some point. I don't know how this could have happened and I should never have talked to you like that."  
What should she say about it? Something in her wanted to reach for his hand, which was on the tabletop in front of her, but she didn't. She did not yet trust the peace. The man was known to be manipulative and cunning - she knew this probably better than anyone else. Even if he even spoke of love.  
"Yes, you really shouldn't have done that. We have already seen our absolute low points. Probably know almost everything about each other. I actually deserve more than just a termination of our business relationship."  
He lowered his head and sighed.  
"Yes, I know. As I said, I am sorry. But it happened with the best of intentions, you can believe me."  
That had irritated her all the time. Again and again, he had dropped hints in this direction and she did not understand what he meant by that. She lacked a crucial piece of the puzzle.

"What do you mean by that? What's a good intention if you want to get rid of me?"  
"No!" he said, a little more violently than he had apparently intended because he continued much quieter.  
"No, I don't want to "get rid" of you. But let's take a sober look at all this: this marriage has brought you so much misfortune and pain. You deserve to start a new life again. Our marriage was arranged and I know you didn't have much say in choosing your partner. It is up to you to get this opportunity at least now."  
For a short time, Narcissa just sat there and stared at Lucius. She had to process what had been said first and could not believe that Lucius would even think something like this.  
"And that's why you stripped me of any say in our marriage? Don't even ask me what I want? No, my dear, you just can't get away with it! If you don't want this marriage anymore, you're telling me that now and right away and don't hide behind such cowardly excuses."

Narcissa felt the anger in her boiling over again and could only suppress it with difficulty. She also noticed Lucius' withdrawing. Not physically. But he suddenly felt further away than he did a minute ago. She couldn't explain it. Probably, this was just the case in a marriage that lasted long enough.  
"I..." he began and paused again.  
"Narcissa..."  
This usually so eloquent man was suddenly stumbling over his words and she believed more and more that he was sincere.  
"Of course I would much rather have you here with me. Even if I didn't show it too much. But let us be honest, that would be the purest selfishness. Especially in the last few years, I as a husband..."  
Lucius's voice broke in the middle of the sentence and he was about getting up again. Fearing that he would simply flee again, Narcissa finally managed to stretch out her arm and hold him back by the hand. She said nothing. Just looked at him, even if her gaze wasn't returned. He still looked everywhere, but not in her face. 

And yet he sat down again, took a deep breath, and continued:  
"I was a disastrous husband. And father. I put you both in terrible danger and then let you down. First Azkaban and then... Even when I was back, I... I can't possibly forgive myself and you really deserve better."  
By the end, Lucius had become quieter and the last words were almost just a whisper. What should Narcissa say about it? She had no idea that Lucius felt this way. But she wasn't surprised either. Contrary to the opinion of most people, he was not made of stone. If there was one trait that esteemed him, it was that his family was everything for him. And that he had done his best to protect them. And yet she couldn't easily disagree with him. Because he was right. And at the same time, he was not. She had met these decisions with him. Supported them. And in the end, it was a game that they could only lose. If so, they deserved each other. 

It was only now that she noticed that she was still holding his hand. She gently stroked his cold fingers and somehow tried to gain access to him. Guessed the guilt and the wounded pride, which he had apparently only overcome outwardly.  
"Lucius. I am an adult woman and can make my own decisions. And I've made up my mind over the years. For you, for the path you have taken and for everything else. I have countered and agreed with you as I thought it was right and you can see the result here. We got into this situation together and we overcame it together. Or not, as I have seen today. Damn, Lucius! You don't have to do this on your own!"  
He flinched at Narcissa's crude choice of words and finally looked up again. Right in her face. And for the first time in months, she felt like she was no longer alone. She had at least a little piece of Lucius back.

"Narcissa, all this honours you. But..."  
"Lucius!"  
"Narcissa, be honest. Is this really what you want? Continue this marriage? Are you really sure? Or are you just afraid?"  
"What am I supposed to be afraid of?"  
"Being alone? Of what comes after this marriage? A new partner? I don't know. But I know you don't have to fear that. You are far too clever and strong. You don't need me."  
He had hit a nerve. Of course, she was frightened by this thought, but she knew that she could handle it all on her own.  
"Yes, that's scary, you're right. But you are also right that I can do all this without you. The point is that I don't want that. I want this marriage. And if you want to, I don't know what else should stand in the way." Lucius smiled cautiously and leaned back. Removed his hand from hers.

"Twenty years ago, I was luckier than I could ever have imagined. But I'm afraid it's a pretty one-sided deal."  
She started to get bored with this.  
"Then you should maybe get a different perspective: It doesn't matter how you were in the past. Now you have the chance to be a better husband and father. Use it."  
Narcissa didn't understand what could be so complicated about all this, but the smile had disappeared from Lucius's face and he stared at his hands again.  
"I'm afraid that's the point..."  
For a while, nothing happened, until he suddenly got up and left the room. A little surprised, it took Narcissa a while before she rushed after him and caught up with Lucius in the hallway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> huh, you can see it as an improvement :D at least they are talking ^^


	3. Chapter 3

"Lucius! Wait, you can't just leave!"   
He didn't even react to her and kept walking.   
"Lucius! I am talking to you. What have I done wrong now?"   
He just shook his head and continued to rush through the dark aisle before reaching the entrance hall. Oh no, she wouldn't let him just disappear. So she overtook him and locked the heavy door. He froze and looked at her in surprise.   
"Narcissa, believe me, it is definitely better like this."   
"Damn, stop this nonsense! Let me decide for myself!"   
"It's really not worth it. I'm not worth it. Just believe me. You are right, it's about being a good husband in the future. But I can't."   
"And why not? Don't be a son of a bitch, don't whore around, talk to your son now and then without devaluing him, and don't kill us. It's not that hard!"   
Her unusual choice of words made him laugh. It wasn't a very happy laugh, but at least it was better than silence or escape. And she had to giggly at herself a little bit.   
"You might think that these kind of things are absolute self-evident, and yet I have failed to do so. Narcissa, dear, I was a disaster and probably always will be."   
"Just be my husband!" she whispered - convinced that they could somehow get their life back together.   
"I know there's something you don't want to tell me. But it's me! You can trust me!"   
This time he looked to the ceiling as he sighed deeply. He stayed silent and seemed to struggle with himself, but Narcissa certainly did not want to interrupt him.  
Finally, he looked at her again and smiled sadly. As if he already knew that she would condemn him in a few moments and that he had made peace with it. And was already mourning it.   
"I am... not exactly in the best shape, as you may know. I'm not doing well. Especially at night. I can't sleep and I'm tormented by nightmares. Without a Potion for Dreamless Sleep, every night would be an ordeal. I really don't know..."   
Narcissa couldn't help but interrupt him.   
"You're a fool sometimes, you know? The war and Azkaban are just a few months ago and you're surprised you're not dancing across a flower meadow yet? Do you think I'm better off? I would be much more worried if you... if you wouldn't react like this. Then I would have real concerns. You're just a human being, of course, all this takes its toll. Give yourself a bit of time!"

Lucius did not respond and simply looked at her with this cryptical gaze that almost made her go up the walls. What did he expect of himself? "It's not just that. I can't believe you actually make me say it... Well, I'm afraid I can't be your husband, especially on a particular issue. I don't know what it is and I've already had a medical examination. Nothing has been found. Probably the last few years and especially Azkaban were just too much for me."   
It took Narcissa a moment to understand what he was actually saying. How should she respond? In the meantime, her husband watched her tensely.   
She chose not to speak at all. What could she say anyway? Instead, Narcissa raised herself on tiptoes, bent over a little and kissed him. It was a careful, tender kiss. Immediately Lucius became even more tense and wanted to withdraw. But that prevented Narcissa by wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him even closer. She wanted him and only him. Whether he was "damaged" or not. She put all her affection for him in that one kiss and tried to make him feel it. He reciprocated the kiss very hesitantly and eventually broke away from her completely. He just looked at her for a moment, distraught and presumably trying to understand her reaction.   
"Narcissa, you... Have you understood what I just said?"   
It almost broke her heart how insecure and vulnerable he sounded.   
"Yes, I have. And it pains me, of course. But marriage is so much more than just sex."   
"But it's an important part of it," he insisted, trying to turn away from her. Again, she stopped him, took his two hands tightly into hers, and pulled him back to himself. He resisted little and she was sure he didn't want to leave. She could understand him. It had to be hard for this otherwise proud wizard. But she wouldn't let that cost her the marriage.   
"Lucius," she began as patiently as possible. It was a delicate subject.   
"I understand this has got to be devastating. All of this. But don't you think we could get through something like this much better as a married couple?"   
"That's too kind of you, but I know you'll miss this one thing at some point. And then I don't know what to do. Because I can't deny you something like this, but I'm afraid that I can't share you with another man. So let's right away..."   
She interrupted her husband with another quick kiss before thoroughly contradicting him.

"Lucius Malfoy, I have to repeat myself. You are a fool and we will cross this bridge when we are there. You can't possibly know what I'm going to do and what I need. Not before you talked to me about it. I don't have the greatest desire at the moment, as you can imagine. And we will find a solution that we are both happy with."   
He opened his mouth - presumably to object once again - but she didn't let him speak at all.   
"Oh Lucius, I know we've always been quite traditional, but there are more things than... you know. We can do other things in bed that are also fun. We just need to get a little creative."   
His critical frown showed Narcissa that he was not yet completely convinced.   
"Let's at least try," she continued softly.   
"At the moment I miss the little things. Intimacy. Kisses. Really talking to each other. Lying side by side in bed. This is probably completely ridiculous for you, but I miss that more than anything at the moment. I miss YOU."   
She knew that she sounded almost desperate now, but she had to get through to him.   
Lucius, on the other hand, looked at her as if she had grown a second head. But then he finally took another step towards her and pulled her into his arms.   
"I love you," he whispered barely audibly, but Narcissa was sure of it.   
"I love you too."   
She snuggled up to him trustingly and simply enjoyed the closeness to Lucius. Breathed in his familiar smell and finally, she felt that everything was going to be good again. She had no idea how, but she'd find out. By the time they broke away from each other, something had changed. Lucius seemed calmer, and she felt the same way.   
"Are you really sure, Narcissa? I don't want you to miss or even regret anything."   
Apparently, she was still not able to get this idea out of his head. "Lucius, do you remember the beginning of our marriage? The waiting, the failures and then the two miscarriages? The difficult pregnancy with Draco and birth? And above all the diagnosis that I can't have another child?"   
The memory of it hurt her, but maybe it helped to talk about it.   
"Of course! But..."   
Lucius was genuinely confused and she interrupted him before he could mess up her little speech.  
"You were always by my side. Stood by me even when no child came for years. You never blamed me for it and comforted me when I was desperate. I am also "faulty", Lucius. And yet you didn't leave me at then. And don't think, I don't know about the pressure your father has put on you. But do you understand what I mean by that?"   
A slow nod was the only answer at first. He had to let it all sink in first. Narcissa felt the same. It had been difficult times for her, and another wizard from the High Society would have chased her away long ago. Due to non-fulfilment of the marital duties. Lucius, on the other hand, had bought her loyalty with his patience. And she was only too happy to pay it back. 

"Thank you," he whispered quietly after a few minutes, kissing her on the parting.   
"I cannot think of a more wonderful wife and I am truly blessed with you."   
And he smiled. A sincere, relaxed and above all loving smile, which was only for her alone. It was a rare gift that the otherwise withdrawn man did not give so easily. But apparently, she had somehow fought her way back to him.   
"It's already late. What if we go to bed? And just discuss the rest tomorrow?" she suggested, noting how tired she was.   
"Yes, you're probably right," Lucius agreed, and did not successfully suppress a yawn. Together they left the cold entrance hall and soon reached the point where their paths were to separate. But they simply stood there for a bit, indecisive and a farewell now felt just wrong. So Narcissa once again reached for her husband's hand and pulled him in the direction of her chambers.   
"Please come to bed with me. Or I'll come with you. I don't care."   
Lucius hesitated and she could see him tensing up again.   
"I just want to be next to you again, Lucius. Simply not sleeping alone anymore. Or am I bothering you too much?"   
"No, of course, you don't bother..."   
He stalled and had to think for a moment. If Lucius Malfoy was something not, it was spontaneous. So she gave him credit for his decision:   
"I am getting ready for bed quickly and I'll come to you right away."   
Then he turned around and disappeared in the hallway in front of them. Narcissa also left and returned to her bedroom. She wasn't sure if Lucius would actually come to her, but still, she had two cups of tea brought to her. An old habit she loved. But without her husband, she didn't enjoy it much, so over the time, it had gotten a bit extinct.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translating is hard and I apologize for everything! :D


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but sweet :) (hopefully ^^)

It took almost half an hour before Lucius knocked on her door again. This time, she sounded much more joyful as she asked him in. He, on the other hand, seemed like a foreign body in her bedroom. He looked around as if he were new and didn't really know what to do here. She realized that this strange, stiff mood would probably be her companion for a while yet. Her tension increased and she was desperate to ease the situation. So she knocked invitingly to the other side of the large mattress, which had already been prepared for a second person. Silently, Lucius followed her invitation and crawled under the sheets.   
"I had some tea made. Maybe it's a nice start. We will hardly be able to fall asleep right now anyway."   
Then she remembered something he had mentioned before:   
"Except, of course, you've already taken the potion?"

He shook his head silently, but at least accepted the tea. You wouldn't think that they had both been married for over twenty years.   
"Tell me something," she urged Lucius to break the silence.   
A real, genuine and, above all, harmless conversation might help. Lucius frowned and tilted his head. After all, he seemed to be thinking about her request.   
"The Parkinson girl ran off with the gardener. Everybody is really upset. But you probably already know that."   
"No, I had absolutely no idea! How is it that you are better versed in the local gossip than I am? That's my trade!" she replied, stunned.   
She had been so busy with her own marriage lately that she had somehow missed everything else.   
"Well, her father asked me for support. But of a kind that I don't offer. At least not any more. I've definitely seen enough of Azkaban."   
Although he smiled at his words, he sounded bitter. She couldn't blame him.  
"Oh my goodness, what is he going to do with the poor lad? But of course, I can well imagine the scandal. It's a pity I missed it all..." Narcissa answered not without regret.   
But Lucius consoled her:   
"Don't worry, you just missed the overture. The big bang is yet to come. I've stretched out a little bit of my whiskers and it looks like dear Pansy is pregnant."   
"No!"   
"Oh, and the parents don't have a clue. However, the great revelation won't take long. So we should both keep our eyes open a little bit when we're looking for good entertainment."   
"Oh, but of course! I will certainly not miss that. I wonder what scandals Draco will bring to the house. It's about time and right now we are definitely in the lead."   
Just like that, she finally made Lucius laugh.

'I just hope it's not someone else's wife involved. This can end badly. Or animals like the Notts back then..."   
"Yes, of course, that would be unfortunate. We haven't had a scandal involving prostitutes for a long time. That would be something for him..." Narcissa thought aloud, causing her husband to bury his face in his hands. "Oh no, please don't... I think we all are in dire need of some peace."   
She could understand him very well.   
"Don't worry too much about that. I think Draco feels just the same. We all need a break."  
At least she hoped that she was right. By now her tea was empty and she had him taken away by a house-elf.   
"Maybe we should try to get some sleep, or what do you think?" Narcissa longed for some sleep - it has been an exhausting day. Lucius just nodded and again this strange mood had returned. She really hoped from the heart that this would change soon. But she did not want to push Lucius any further. It was obvious that he had already reached his limits today. So she laid her pillow as she always did, extinguished the small reading light, and lay down with her face turned to Lucius. It took him a little longer to get out of his paralysed state and seemed to be thinking about something. Eventually, he sighed resignedly, pulled out a small vial and emptied the potion in one go.

"It's an attenuated version," he explained and Narcissa could hear his voice become tense.   
"It takes a little bit longer to take hold and it doesn't last quite as much. But at least it is suitable for a long-term intake and above all you can still wake me up well. So if anything happens, I will be responsive and of a clear mind."   
"Good to know," she said, giving him a smile that hopefully calmed him down a little. Finally, he also lay down and extinguished the last light. It was strange to lie side by side in the darkness. Suddenly, she felt the distance that still reigned between them and fervently hated it. She had to overcome them somehow.   
"May I touch you?" she whispered.   
As always, there was a brief silence before Lucius replied:   
"Of course. You don't have to ask if you can touch your husband."   
A strange mixture of amusement and tension swung along in his voice. "The same husband who wanted a divorce tonight. I thought it didn't hurt to ask."   
She couldn't quite take the sharpness out of her words. The wound was still too fresh.   
"I'm so sorry, Narcissa. That was a big mistake. I'm going to try to do better. You have my word on that."   
Lucius sounded genuine and she believed him.

Instead of an answer, she stretched out her hand and felt for her husband in the darkness. Carefully, she touched his shoulder, stroked his arm down until she reached his hand. Narcissa had been alone for so long that she was now almost electrified. Lucius' body had never been so exciting and she really had to pull herself together. But she was able to contain herself. She just kept brushing her thumb over the back of his hand and concentrated simply on the touch. Little by little, Lucius relaxed and finally took her hand. They stayed like this until Narcissa dozed off into a peaceful sleep. She didn't dream, and when she woke up, she was as rested as she had been in a long time. And she immediately sensed the warm body next to her, which she had probably cuddled up to over the last night. Apparently, Lucius was still asleep, so she took the chance to nestle a little closer to him. She had missed it so much and finally, she didn't wake up in an empty, cold bed. Instinctively, Lucius put his arm around her and Narcissa decided to lie down a little longer. She would enjoy this moment for as long as she could. Unfortunately, it didn't last too long, because Lucius woke up half an hour later and seemed to freeze again briefly. Narcissa was close enough to him that she could feel his heartbeat accelerating.   
"Good morning," she said, touching his hand lightly.   
Immediately he relaxed a bit and drew his wife even closer to him. She could feel how he kissed her on the temple and then fell back into the pillows.   
"Also good morning", it came a bit sleepy from him, but he sounded content and finally again centered.   
Narcissa actually drifted off again until it was almost noon. They were still both arm-in-arm and enjoyed the first truly nice morning in a very long time. Yes, she could live with such a new beginning. Narcissa had no idea what they deserved, but she would take advantage of this opportunity.


	5. Chapter 5

Relaxed and happy they finally left the bed, got dressed and then sat together at breakfast. This time, however, not at the other end of the table, but over the corner and thus almost next to each other. As familiar as they sat together and talked, Narcissa recalled the time when they had been married for a few years. Not the beginnings of their marriage. When they were both still tense and strangers to each other. No, the years after Draco was finally there, Lucius' father was dead and the first war over. It was only then that she understood for the first time what distinguished a marriage, a real marriage, from a business agreement. 

"What are you thinking, my dear?"   
With his question, Lucius had pulled her out of her thoughts and she needed a second to return to the breakfast table.   
"Oh, only about the beginnings of our marriage. And how it has evolved. I never thought at the beginning that we would make it this far - I want to be quite honest about that."   
"Yes, it was indeed a rather turbulent start. We didn't have the best conditions," he agreed, putting back the bun he had started picking.   
"I'll be honest, I was about to throw my dad into the Thames. Who would have thought that Dragon Pox has also a charitable side?" 

Lucius, of course, would never talk about his father like this in public. And even in her presence, he had always been very reticent. But over the last few years, the complicated relationship between the two had become increasingly apparent. And, of course, Lucius had learned nothing from it and passed it on to his own son. But this was another issue that she would take care of in due time. Now she just enjoyed her breakfast. And also the rest of the day. At last, she was no longer alone in her own house and she insisted on taking advantage of this circumstance wherever she could.

So they spent a whole week until Lucius made a suggestion to her when they were already in bed and still reading a little:   
"What do you think of travelling to France for a while? We haven't been there for so long and it's beautiful there at this time of the year."   
He had said this suspiciously casual and did not even turn his gaze away from the book he was reading. Or at least pretended to read. His eyes did not wander over the lines but fixed a certain point. Did he really think she could say no to something like that?   
"This is a wonderful idea, my dear. What time do you have in mind?"   
"I don't know, but a few weeks would definitely be worthwhile, don't you think? I have inquired about the nature of the estate and theoretically, we could leave tomorrow."

This was indeed extremely tempting and they quickly clarified what had to be done the next day. When the couple finally sat on a terrace in the south of France, they first drank a toast to a hopefully successful break. Narcissa already felt that the physical distance to the conflicts in England was a real blessing. Everything was a little easier for her again and this included the closeness to Lucius. He seemed to be no different, as he put his arm around her waist as they took a late walk and even got tangled up by Narcissa in an intimate kiss.   
Two days later, she even wanted to venture a little further ahead. A glass of wine certainly did its effect, but mainly Narcissa had simply the feeling that the time was right.

As always, they lay in bed together, drank a cup of tea and chatted a little. But she soon realized that it was not so easy to raise this delicate issue.   
A suitable moment had already passed two times, but whenever she opened her mouth, she began a more harmless subject. Finally, an opportunity arose and again she did not manage to take the initiative. So she gave it up and lay frustrated and pondering in the darkness and couldn't sleep. What was the problem today?   
At one point, she came to the conclusion that the situation might just not be the right one. And she had approached it far too artificially. Certain things just had to come up and she already knew how to help it along a little bit. With this thought, she finally fell asleep.   
The next evening, they sat next to each other on a comfortable sofa and had opened a bottle of wine. Narcissa had decided that this could help them both, but especially Lucius, to approach the matter a little more calmly. When the bottle was already half-empty, she felt the mood become more relaxed, almost silly. 

Lucius certainly had a sense of humour, but it didn't show too often and only when he was really comfortable. But they had just reached a small pause in their conversation, which made Narcissa take the risk and kiss her husband. At first just cautiously - she didn't want to attack him right away. It was a simple, almost innocent kiss, but she didn't interrupt it either. It was not necessary, because soon Lucius answered the kiss and drew her a little closer to him. This gave Narcissa the courage to venture a little forward. With one hand, she slowly touched his body, enjoying the closeness to her husband. In the beginning, she simply caressed his shoulders and finally, her hands wandered over his torso.   
But when Lucius realized what she was doing, he immediately wanted to withdraw. However, Narcissa did not allow this. With her other hand, she went behind Lucius' neck and pulled him back to herself.   
"Shhh, it's alright. Just trust me," she whispered and then watched his reaction closely. Of course, if he really didn't want to, she wouldn't push him any further. And in fact, it looked like it really was too much for him.

His face suddenly became completely blank, but she could see the muscles tightening around his jaw. Calmingly, she stroked her hand over his chest, which lifted and lowered faster than usual.   
"It's really okay, Lucius. We have known each other for so long. It's just the both of us."   
Her husband nodded slowly, but he still didn't relax.   
"Lucius? It's also perfectly fine if you don't want this right now. I will not be offended and will not push you towards anything."   
It was important to her that he really understood this - he had never urged her to anything, and that had made all the difference back then. 

Finally, his breathing slowed down a little bit and he nodded again. "That's really lovely of you. I simply want to save yourself from disappointment," he said in an unusual coarse voice. Again he turned his gaze away and looked past her. Narcissa lovingly stroked his cheek and gave her husband a kiss on the tip of his nose. 

"Oh Lucius, don't worry about that. I know what to expect and what not to expect. But tell me, do you even feel the need for... Intimacy?"   
"Yes! Yes, I... Absolutely. But I..."   
"That is already something. There's no reason not to enjoy each other, no matter what that looks like. The kiss was really nice, wasn't it?"   
She felt how her shoulders started to hurt, and only now Narcissa noticed how tense she was. But finally, Lucius looked at her again and dropped a piece of his mask. He looked strangely young as he sat in front of her and had an almost innocent fear written in his face.   
"I know. I feel the same way," she said, wanting to withdraw. She respected the fact that Lucius was apparently not ready for this yet. But she was held back by two hands, which pulled her closer to her husband. 

This time it was Lucius who kissed her, but now there was certainly no more innocence in it. It was a hungry kiss that took her demandingly but was by no means rough. However, it was above all the kind of kiss that made her heart race and showed Narcissa what she had missed so much lately. Even when they parted again, she couldn't quite let go of him. Her fingers wandered aimlessly over his forearm and she desperately wanted more. But at the same time, she could almost laugh, as Lucius was now the one, who briefly checked whether it was really okay what they were doing.   
"That wasn't that bad, wasn't it?" she said, trying to get her breathing back under control. Such a kiss alone and especially with Lucius gave her more pleasure than anything else. Somehow she would let him know that.   
She chose the nonverbal route and kissed her husband again. But this time she didn't just settle with his lips. She spread small, quick kisses along his jaw until she finally reached his neck. Suddenly Narcissa felt the vibration of a silent laugh.

"Are you sure we should behave like teenagers?" Lucius murmured, but at the same time, he didn't let go of Narcissa and even gave her a little more access to his neck.   
He used to be the dominant part and now he left her nearly completely in charge. But only nearly. Just as she kissed the soft skin again, she was lifted a little and manoeuvred further to the right, until she finally sat on Lucius' lap. He grinned at her mischievously, leaned forward and reciprocated her gesture. However, he did not stop at her neck, but slowly kissed her collarbone until he finally reached her décolletage. She had deliberately chosen this neckline and now he could admire it closely. But Narcissa gave him only a moment until she bent forward and pushed Lucius back into the cushions with all her weight. She was on top now and had a few ideas on how she wanted to use this new position. 

However, when she came into contact with a certain... area, he cringed again. Narcissa understood why. Normally, he would have shown a reaction by now, but that was not the case. She didn't take it personally, briefly fondled his neck with her lips and then pressed herself even closer to him. Actively sought contact. They had been married for so long and knew their bodies more than anything else.   
There was no reason to be shy again. Following her intuition, she took his face in both hands and kissed him. This time she was tender and gentle again and Narcissa could feel how he could get more engaged again.   
They both enjoyed the closeness for a while, but it was also a good conclusion for the evening. Narcissa never thought they would get this far, and when she sat down next to her husband on the sofa, she was satisfied. More than that. With a smile, she finally stood up and got ready for bed.   
When Lucius joined her in bed, almost an hour had passed and Narcissa had already worried. Has she been too hasty and forceful? But the moment he slipped under the duvet, he put his arm around her and kissed her briefly in the neck. A small gesture that had also died out long ago and Narcissa was delighted for it to return.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merlin bless the patience of this woman :D

**Author's Note:**

> Well, this was... something :D  
English is not my first language, so I apologize for all the mistakes, weird phrases etc etc ^^ I know that there is a lot of room for improvement. I just want to have some fun, enjoy writing, practise my English and maybe even entertain a few readers :D  
have a lovely day.  
If you are interested in it, the rest of this story is already written down, I just have to translate it into English :) And I probably will. ^^


End file.
